B.J. had been sick for a few days but he had been sick many times in the past and always got well. This time he wouldn't...not here anyway.
On Monday morning December 1, 2003 B.J.'s Dad left for work and his sisters left for school and I woke B.J. up so he could go get his routine blood work done. He had to have his blood checked twice a week after he had his kidney transplant done in May 03.
His breathing didn't sound good so I gave him a breathing treatment but it didn't seem to be helping. He told me Mama, I don't think I can drive myself to my appt. I told him it's ok I'll take you just let me get Johnathan (his little brother) up and we would go. He had to always get it drawn between 8:30 and 9:00.
He got dressed but he was too weak to put his shoes on so I put them on for him. I headed to take Johnathan out to the van and B.J. stood up to come but after just a few steps he said Mom I don't think I can make it.
I pulled him up a chair to sit down in and said you know what? I'm going to call an ambulance to come get you Buddy cause I think we better get you to the hospital. I called the ambulance then called his Dad. Then I called his transplant coordinator so she could arrange for a care flight to come to the hospital and pick him up and take him to Galveston where his Doctors were.
I then set down beside him and told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was for all the times I had gripped at him and asked him to forgive me for anything I had done wrong. I can still hear him say I love you too Mama. I'm not upset at you about anything, I know you love me. I told him how proud I was of him and how I wasn't upset with him about anything either. I think part of me must have known he was going to die. I just sat there with him and hugged him and cried and told him over and over how much I loved him and how I wanted him to be ok. He just kept telling me I'm alright Mama. He had such peace and trust in the Lord and I was so scared.
The ambulance came and his Dad rode with him and I drove Johnathan and I to the hospital 35 miles away... Johnathan's health wasn't good back then and I was his main caregiver, I had to stay with him.
When I got to the hospital Bobby and I traded places and I stayed with B.J. for a while. It was time to feed Johnathan and he was tube fed then so we traded places once again so I could feed him. After a little while a nurse came and told me to come to this other room. I told her no...that's where they put you to tell you that your child is going to die. We had been put in those rooms two times in the past when we nearly lost him, I didn't want to go. She told me no, they just wanted to get me closer to B.J. and to make Johnathan and I more comfortable so I went.
By then we were waiting on the plane that would fly B.J. out. I called a close friend of mine and told her I didn't think B.J. was going to make it...this time was different. I also called my kids and told them he was very sick and we were flying him to Galveston.
I went in to see B.J. again and it was terrible. He was breathing so hard and his heart was too slow. They were trying to draw blood and none would come out... His body was shutting down.
I had to go pick up Johnathan's feeding bags across town because I didn't have anymore with me or at home and I knew we would be gone for a long time. No one else could sign for them so I had to go. That was the last time I saw B.J. awake.
When I came back about 30 minutes later they had put him to sleep to put a breathing tube in him to have him ready for flying.
They told me to get on the road because I had to drive 6 hours and it would only take them a couple. I came home and packed quickly and my Pastors wife came to drive me. My Pastor picked up our kids and was going to meet us in Galveston. By now it's 4:30 pm.
We get about 2 hours away and they call me and tell me that they just left again, they had to come back the first time to try to stabilize him. I asked his Doctor on the phone if B.J. was going to be alright and told him don't you lie to me. He said I don't think so. I just thought my world came to an end.
We got half way to Galveston and got the call to backtrack 2 hours to Waco they had to land there because they were losing him. His heart kept stopping.
When we drove up my assistant pastors wife was outside waiting. I said Merry is B.J. alright? and she just shook her head no. Her eyes told me everything. I said is he alive? and she said yes but you need to hurry.
I threw Johnathan to someone, I don't know who and we took off running across the parking lot. My two youngest daughters jumped out of the car they were in and ran with us.
We ran through the halls of the hospital and went up to his floor and there was his Dad waiting. His face told me the same thing Merry's had.
Bobby and I went in and it was the most awful site I had ever seen. I had seen B.J. many times with lots of tubes and wires but this time was different.
Once again they put us in that room and our Pastor went with us. All those doctors (so many) were there. They told us B.J. had no function in his brain. The machines were all that was keeping him alive. His little body had completely shut down. God we couldn't keep him on machines. We had to let him go. No one should have to do that. NO ONE! They asked us if we wanted him to be a donor and we said no, he had been cut on too many times already and no one was going to cut on him ever again. They understood.
My family went in to tell him goodbye for the last time. We couldn't get ahold of his oldest sister to tell her because she was on her way to Galveston and was only 50 miles from there before she stopped and called someone from a payphone.
At 11:25 pm. they pronounced him dead. Our world did end then. Never to be the same again.
We waited for Amanda to get there before we left. It was around 2:00 am. I think before we finally headed home without our son and brother.
There were over 40 people in the waiting room besides our family. All of them had driven almost 2 hours to be there for B.J. We all had to leave without him and with our faith crushed.
I can't even begin to say how many times these very people had prayed with us for B.J. and he was alright. This time the Lord said no. I will never understand.
We taught B.J. many things in his 19 1/2 years but in that one day he taught us so much more. He taught us how to die with peace in your heart and trust in our Lord. Through it all he never acted as though he were afraid. We tried to teach him how to live and he taught us how to die. I only hope when my time does come I can be as full of faith as my son was.
I know I've taken up a lot of space and I'm sorry. I've just wanted to share this day with you for so long and was just now able to. I couldn't put every detail I remember but this is the main part of that terrible terrible day. Thank you for listening.
Please continue to keep our family in your prayers, there are still so many hard hard days. We miss B.J. so much. He was such a good boy. A Son to be proud of, and we were proud of him...we always will be.
You know I will always be so thankful that I got that time to talk with B.J. When I said I was telling him I was sorry, I was just making sure everything was ok between us. I mean I knew it was because we were very close. We never had gotten upset with each other and let it stay that way. We were Mom and son but we were friends too. I know without a doubt he knew he was loved. I just needed to make sure. I was so scared.
I know he is healthy and happy and after all he had been through I would never want to take that from him. I just want him with me.
B.J. will always be my hero... His life and his death will not have been in vain. I will always do what I can in his memory to make him proud of me. So much of my time was spent on him while he was here with me and now my time will be spent doing what I can to keep his memory alive and to reach out to others that are hurting too. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.
Slowly my faith is being restored and I have come to know that the Lords plan had to be and that He doesn't make mistakes but it hasn't been easy to learn. I still have days like now that it's one step forward and three steps back but I will continue on. I won't let B.J.'s death cause me to not make it to Heaven. I believe it is part of what it is going to take to make sure I get there. I am learning that I have to have the Lord, there's just no other way for me. I have to keep going to His word and learning what I need to do so that I can be with B.J., Wayne and Buck again someday. I've got to make it.
Oh how I miss my boy. With every breath I take, with every beat of my heart, I miss him.
I know B.J. had health problems since he was one year old, but you can see by his pictures he was so full of life. He never let it stop him. He was always on the go. The Lord had always been so good to him. His Doctors were always amazed at how well he seemed when he was really so sick.
The Lord was always his strength and I will be forever thankful. I know his health was bad but he wasn't sick. Do I make any sense at all? You can see it in his pictures. He just wasn't sickly. His death was so unexpected.
People have told me, Cindy you knew you would outlive him. I DID NOT KNOW THAT! Look at him, he looked so healthy most of the time and he was so active. I did not ever think I would outlive my son. I've been told I just lived in denial. I did not. I lived with faith. And I lived with a son that had more life than so many healthy people in this world. It had nothing to do with denial. It had everything to do with the Lords goodness and faithfulness to a young man that loved Him and trusted Him. B.J. was faithful to Him and He was faithful to B.J. So many can't understand that but this Mama knows the truth.
Thank you for caring and for listening to me. It means so much. So many don't want to listen because it makes them uncomfortable. I don't expect anyone to make everything alright. It can't be made alright.
Oh I can't wait.............