Bobby Jack Outlaw II

(1984 - 2003)

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Wayne and Buck

Billy "Wayne" Outlaw and Charles "Buck" Outlaw were born 3 1/2 months too early on Jan. 26, 1986 and did not survive. Though we did not get to know them like we wanted to, they have always been and will always be very much a part of our lives. We will love and miss them forever. How we long for the day that we get to hold them in our arms for the very first time.

My sweet Wayne and Buck. Too often parents decide they don't want to give birth and raise their precious children because to them...they are a problem. Oh but my sweet babies...that wasn't how it was with me and your Daddy. We wanted you so much! When I listen to this song I can't help but wonder what you were meant to be...

I know Jesus called you home for a reason even if I can't understand. But I would have given anything to have you here with me.

Love you forever, Mama

Oh my sweet babies Wayne and Buck Mama was blessed in such a wonderful way today. I was sitting and just thinking about you and all of a sudden I had this awesome feeling of holding both of you...one in each arm. It was the most wonderful feeling. I closed my eyes and I could see me all those years ago holding you. Oh it was so wonderful because as you know I never got to hold you when you were born. And now 23 years later (two days before Mother's Day) I held you for the first time. Some might think I'm crazy but I know I was given a beautiful gift that I'll remember and treasure in my heart always. The feeling only lasted about 5 minutes but during that time I could feel the pressure of you both resting in my arms. When I could no longer feel the weight of you I was sad but I was so overjoyed to have been given the chance I've longed for for so long that the joy outweighed the sadness. As I thought about it I realized that if I would have carried you full term you would have been born around the 8th of May. Do I find this to be a coincident? Not at all. I believe with all I have in me the Lord allowed me those brief moments to hold my babies close to my heart and I will forever be grateful to Him.

Thank you for coming to me and letting me hold you...my heart needed it. I love my boys so much. I always have and I always will.

Love, Mama

Billy "Wayne" Outlaw

B-is for Beautiful little one.
I-is for Innocent.
L-is for the Love his Mama has for him.
L-is for his Life that ended much too soon..
Y-is for the Yearning I have in my heart for him.

W-is for the Wonderful little man I know he is.
A-is for Always in my heart.
Y-is for his Yummy little kisses I wish I could have gotten.
N-is for Never ever forgotten.
E-is for Everything I've had to miss out on.

O-is for Oh I can't wait to see him!
U-is for Unique in his own special way.
T-is for his little Toes I want to kiss.
L-is for the Laughter I know he's enjoying with his brothers.
A-is for I wonder if him and Buck look Alike?
W-is for Wonderfully made and oh so perfect.

Charles "Buck" Outlaw

C-is for Chubby Cheeks I want to kiss.
H-is forhow I long to Hold my baby boy.
A-is for All the things I've missed.
R-is for Remembering holding him under my heart for almost 6 months.
L-is for my Love for him.
E-is for Eternity that I will get to spend with him.
S-is for he's probably as Silly as his big brother B.J.

B-is for he will always be my Baby Boy.
U-is for I don't Understand why he had to leave.
C-is for the Care I wish I could have given him.
K-is for Knowing he's waiting for me.

O-is for Oh how him and his brother kicked me while I carried them!
U-is for humm...Uncle! He is one you know.
T-is for his Tiny Toes I wanted to count.
L-is for Longing to hold him for the first time.
A-is for Always on my mind.
W-is for the Wiggles I can remember while carrying him and Wayne.

On the morning of January 26, 1986 I woke up around 4:00 am needing to go to the bathroom. I had such pressure in my stomach and back and wondered what was going on...I had never felt anything like it before. Just as I got back in bed and layed down my water broke. It literally flooded our bed. I called out to Bobby and said my God my water broke Bobby! I was terrified. The doctor had broke my water with Amanda and B.J. so this was new to me and besides I wasn't quiet 6 months along in my pregnancy...I knew this wasn't good! I wasn't due until May 8th. Bobby and I both had to clean up because like I said I flooded the bed. Then Bobby got Amanda and B.J. up and we left for the hospital. We had to take them with us...we had no one to keep them. I kept telling Bobby I knew I had lost the babies because they weren't moving. They had been so active...two little ones kicking and shoving fighting for room. When we got there they put me in a room and did a sonogram and listened for heartbeats...there wasn't any. I knew I would go home without my babies...I wanted them so much. We had such plans!
Poor little Amanda and B.J. were both there in the room with us up until then. They didn't know what was happening. They were only 1 and 2 years old. If I had carried to term they would have been almost 2 and 3 by then.
The doctor and nurses started getting me ready...they had to make me give birth. I can't remember all the details...I've never been able to. All I know is I was so afraid and I felt like such a failure...there's no words to explain. I kept telling Bobby I was so sorry.

Giving birth to my tiny sweet boys hurt more than just physical pain, it's a pain I can't explain yet every one here that has a child in Heaven knows this pain. It was such a hopeless, sad, broken pain that I knew nothing was going to make ...it better. So my sweet boys were born (we didn't see them) and I was put in a room to keep me overnight. Bobby stayed as long as he could but then he had to take Amanda and B.J. home...around 30 miles away and I was left all alone. I've never been able to remember much of that time except I remember being so afraid and so alone. Bobby and the kids came back for me the next day and I was released to go home. I had kept asking what would happen to my babies but no one would tell me. All I can remember them saying is we have our way of disposing of them. Disposing of them? My God this was my babies we were talking about. They would never tell me more...just that I needed to rest and not to worry. I think a part of my heart died that day that has never came back to life even after all these years. I cried...oh how I cried. I knew my babies souls were born into the hands of Jesus and they were safe...but their little bodies...no one ever told me what happened to them. Until just a few years ago...maybe two years...I always thought they probably ended up somewhere getting used in science and the very thought always made me so sick. Even to type it now rips at my heart. Someone told me though that they were probably cremated by the hospital...I don't know...I just don't know. I sent an email there once and asked what they did with the babies that were born under those circumstances and asked if they had some kind of memory garden on the grounds for them but I never got a reply back. I've accepted that I will probably never know...and maybe it's for the best I don't.

We didn't see the babies but the doctor told us for twins they were about average in size for how far along I was...around 8 inches in length...tiny little ones. He said it looked like one had probably died about 3 days before and that's why my body was trying to give birth to them. He said the other one had probably just died. He couldn't tell us why. He just kept saying sometimes these things just happen. It wasn't good enough but we had no choice...we weren't going to be told anything else.
Bobby and the kids spent the rest of the day with me but then he had to take them home. I can't remember that first night. I've never been able to...other than feeling so lost and alone. They came back and picked me up the next day. I can barely remember leaving the hospital.
When we got home I wanted nothing more than to crawl under the covers and hoped I would die. It all seemed so unreal. My bed was still soaked so I couldn't even go to bed so I lay ed down on the couch. Bobby pulled the love seat over and bumped it up to the couch so he could sleep with me but not crowd me on the couch. I'll never forget the love that was in that. I slept all night. I must have been running a fever because I was drenched in sweat and I was delirious...I was so sick and weak. I remember walking around that day wondering who I was and wishing the nightmare I was having would end.
Later that day one of my best friends that lived next door came over to see us. She had been out of town and I didn't know if she knew I had lost the babies and I didn't want to face her. I felt horrible panic. Well she did know but when I saw her I could only shake my head and say Annie I don't know what happened. She didn't stay long and I was glad. She had just had a baby boy that was only a few months old...it was so hard to even look at him.
Less than two weeks later B.J.'s doctor's wanted us to take him to Galveston for tests to be ran on him. He had just been diagnosed with kidney failure the previous July and they were wanting him to start dialysis way back then and get on a transplant waiting list. Well I wasn't in good enough shape physically or emotionally to fly to Galveston so Bobby had to take him. Bobby's boss told him if he took off to go...he had to be there for 5 days...he wouldn't have a job when he returned. So before he could leave we had to pack up and move. We had nowhere else to go but to my Mom's 6 hours away. This was all within 1 1/2 weeks after I lost the babies. We got to my Mom's one day and Bobby and B.J. left the next. I needed him with me but he had no choice. So we stayed with my Mom until he got home and found another job. My grief got shoved way down deep because I couldn't handle it and because everyone kept telling us things like...you didn't need another baby (especially twins) with B.J. so sick...you're young you can always have more...you already have two kids you don't need anymore. So like I said I stuffed it way down deep and only Bobby and I ever mentioned Wayne and Buck to each other and it was mostly on their birthday/angel day. But my heart couldn't forget even if I couldn't talk. Then we lost B.J. and when he had been gone a year the reality of losing Wayne and Buck caught up to us. We finally fully realized and acknowledged just how much we had lost. Bobby and I both felt like we were going to completely lose our minds. My God now we were grieving for all three sons and it was overwhelming. And if you think people don't understand after a year or two why you're still broken...try explaining why you're still broken after 18 years (that's how long it had been since losing Wayne and Buck).
And then trying to grieve for all three at the same time...the confusion...the anger...the mixed feeling and emotions. If it hadn't have been for Jesus we would not have survived.