Bobby Jack Outlaw II

(1984 - 2003)

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Life story

May 17, 1984

B.J.. was born in Ft.Worth Texas on May 17, 1984 at 9:18 am. He weighed 7 lbs. 11 1/2 ozs. and was 20 in. long. He had brown hair and blue eyes. My labor with him lasted 17 1/2 hours. Oh but it was worth it, he was perfect! We named him Bobby Jack Outlaw II after his dad. We made him the II because we did not want him to be called Jr. Instead we called him B.J. In school he went as B.J. until he entered the 7th grade. Then he went as Bobby. B.J. was welcomed into this world by his older sister Amanda. She was so excited to have a baby brother! She had a little brother to look up to her and someone she could take care of. With them being only 14 1/2 months apart they were wonderful playmates. Amanda would "mama" him and "boss" him and he would "pester" her and "cling" to her. They were just what each other needed. The bond of love they had as brother and sister will last forever.

July 21, 1985

On July 21 of '85 (on his Dad's birthday) when B.J. was 1 yr. and 3 months old we had to take him to the emergency room because of labored breathing. It had actually started two days before but wasn't causing concern until then. It was on a Sunday. We thought he might be having a little trouble with Asthma because we had just moved onto an alfalfa farm. We were so mistaken. We took him to McCamey hospital and they sent him by ambulance to Midland. We rode in the ambulance (Mama, Daddy, and Amanda) with him because we had no car at the time...friends had taken us to McCamey. They thought he had pnuemonia. They were wrong too. Midland told us it was his kidney's. They were right. They flew him to Children's Hospital in Ft.Worth and we had to catch a seperate flight. We were so scared! He was in the hosp. in Ft.Worth for 41 days. Three weeks of it was Intensive Care. While he was there he had surgery to make his urethra's smaller. Those are the tubes going from his kidney's to his bladder. It was to stop backflow to his kidneys. It worked but his kidneys were already damaged real bad. For about 3 yrs. we had to use a catheter on him every 4 hrs. During those three yrs. B.J. didn't grow at all. He stayed the size of a one year old. When he finally got out of the hosp. we still had to stay in Ft.Worth for 10 days (just in case he had trouble). We finally went back home after being gone for 51 days. Home never looked so good!

January 26, 1986

B.J. had been looking forward to meeting his twin brothers Wayne & Buck that were due to be born close to his birthday in May but on January 26,1986 the Lord took his two little brothers to live with him in Heaven. We never got to see them or know them in any way other than while I carried them.We weren't given a birth certificate or a death certificate to show they ever even existed. We didn't get to give them a funeral so we really had nothing but our memories of them to hold on to. B.J. had to wait 17 1/2 years to meet them but he finally did on Dec.01,2003 when he joined them in Heaven. I painted a rock and put their names and date on it and placed it on B.J.'s grave. They finally had a place to be and I know their big brother was glad to let them stay with him.

November 12, 1987

On Nov.12,1987 B.J. became BIG BROTHER to a little sister name Kayla. Now he was a big boy. He had someone to look up to him and he loved it and her.. They were always very close and she followed him like a shadow. He took his role as big brother seriously and took care of her and...bossed her! Hey isn't that what big brother's are suppose to do? Oh but how much they loved each other! They were very close as brother and sister as well as friends.. Their love for each other will remain forever.

September 18, 1988

On September 18th 1988 we joined the United Pentecostal Church in Goldthwaite Texas. Thank God we did because it was there that we found the faith we needed to carry us through the many trials our family was to face.

August 1989

In Aug. of '89 our big boy started school. HE HATED IT! He went 3 days in Van Horn Tx. and then we moved them (B.J. and Amanda) to a much smaller school in Valentine about 30 miles away. It was better but you guessed it....HE STILL HATED IT! He just did not like being away from home. That's ok cause I didn't like him being away from home either. We did survive though and he finally adjusted. At his Kindergarten Graduation he got a BIG trophy for MOST IMPROVED. It wasn't because of how much his grades improved because he did well in school. It was because he adjusted. He was proud and so were we.

July 1, 1990

In July of '90 we moved back to Goldthwaite and B.J. started 1st. grade at Mullin Elementary in August. He did like it better and by the 3rd. 6 wks. he was doing pretty good handleing school. WHAT A RELlEF TO US ALL! It probably had a lot to do with the fact that him and Amanda were in the same class room in Mullin. They had 1st and 2nd graders together. Then of course when he went to 2nd grade he still had the same teacher. It made things so much easier for him. After that school wasn't so hard on him.

March 1, 1992

In March of '92 B.J. went into the hospital at Breakenridge Children's Hosp. in Austin , he was 7 yrs. old. He was there for 10 days while they tried to get his blood levels all straightened out. When he came home from the hospital he used a wheel chair except in the house. He had needed one for a while because his bones and muscles hurt him real bad. His wheel chair was
BRIGHT YELLOW and believe me it was bright! We called it his "Banana Bike." He loved it. He used it for a couple of years, then thank God he got strong enough he didn't need it any more. When he was through with it, he loaned it to a little girl that had to have her foot amputated and when she no longer needed it he donated it to the McDonald House in Austin so they could give it to someone else that might need it.

April 7, 1992

On April 7,1992 when B.J. was only 7 yrs. old the Lord filled him with the baptism of the Holy Ghost with the evidence of speaking in tongues at the Goldthwaite Evangelism Center UPC Goldthwaite,Tx. Thank God our son was saved and stayed that way!

August 16, 1992

On August 16,1992 B.J. was baptized in the name of Jesus for the remission of his sins! Bro. David Mullins baptized him in our horse trough baptismal tank at the Goldthwaite Evangelism Center UPC in Goldthwaite,Tx. As I said before thank God our son was saved and stayed that way! Something else I'm thankful for is we now have a regular baptistry.

September 21, 1993

Now B.J. is really out numbered. Another little sister name Sarah arrived on Sept.21,1993. He thought it was wonderful...He had another little person that would look up to him and...that he could boss. There are 9 yrs. between them so he didn't boss her too much and she loved him . She became his Tag-along and any time he would let her she would "Tag-along" with him. He was her big brother, her (Bubba), and her protector...Their love for each other will last forever.

June 1994

In June '94 when B.J. was 10 years old he went to church camp in Lufkin,Tx. for the first time. He did fine but Mama stressed! He went every year after that until the summer he was 15 and couldn't go anymore because he was on dialysis.

January 1997

In Jan.of '97 B.J. moved to Goldthwaite Jr. High and stayed in the Goldthwaite school district untill he graduated in 2002. It wasn't easy for him to make this move at the age he was and with him being the new kid in class he never quiet fit in as well as we would have liked him to. He did do good in school though and he liked his teachers so I guess that is what matters most.

August 1998

In Aug. of '98 B.J. was 14 yrs. old and entered into high school to begin his Freshman year. All was going fine but little did we know that everything was about to change...

March 1, 1999

In March of '99 B.J. went into the Breakenridge Children's Hosp. of Austin to have surgery on his parathyroid glands. They were working on overtime and his bones couldn't get the calcium they needed. Part of his parathyroids needed to be taken out. Before they could do the surgery he had to have a few days of hemodialysis done to filter the junk from his blood so he could handle the surgery. That went fine and so did his surgery. But then... after a few days his bones absorbed all the calcium from his body and he nearly died. We were more scared than we had ever been before. Many prayers were called out on his behalf and Jesus intervened once again and blessed us with more wonderful time with our son. He missed just two weeks of school and went back to finish out his Freshman year. But that wasn't meant to be...

May 12, 1999

On May 12th of '99 B.J. complained of having a bad headache. Just minutes after he told us his head was hurting he went into a terrible seizure. We had never seen anything like it and it terrified us. We had him rushed to the hospital in Brownwood. From there he was care-flighted to Austin but the fog was too bad and they had to turn back and take him by ambulance. This all happened on a Wed. The multiple seizures he had had left him with terrible brain damage. He couldn't do anything for himself and his speech was slurred very bad. He made no sense when he talked and he saw people and things that weren't really there. The doctors were telling us we would probably have to take him home in this condition. What terrible news it was to be told this about our child. The seizures were caused from calcium deposits on his brain. He had to have surgery to start dialysis because his kidneys just weren't keeping his blood clean. When I got him cleaned up and ready he couldn't even set up by himself. His Dad had to hold him up so I could wash his hair for him. It was so heartbreaking. He couldn't feed himself or even hold anything in his hand. It was horrible. He had the surgery on Fri. morning and when they brought him back from recovery the Lord had done a miracle, the brain damage was gone. We were so thankful...We had our son back!!!
I can remember it like it was yesterday. I walked into his room when they got him settled and he told me he needed to use the bath room. So I told him to let me get his cousin to come in and help me with him. Without thinking I helped him raise up and he told me he could scoot himself to the edge of the bed so I let him. I was so tired I never even realized he was able to do it and that he was talking. I went and got him another gown for more privacy and got his cousin and when I walked back into his room and saw him setting up on the side of his bed I just lost it. All I could do is cry and say over and over thank you Jesus and tell B.J. you can talk! You can set up! You can stand! He didn't remember anything. He just kept telling me well yes Ma...I can. He didn't know what I knew and he never remembered being like that. But I did and I will never forget the miracle Jesus did.

On that Monday May 17th B.J. turned 15 yrs. old. What a way to spend his birthday! We were thankful we had him for another birthday though. The following Wed. he had to have his surgery redone because it had messed up. Two surgerys in five days was too much time down and poor B.J. got pnuemonia and one of his lungs began to collapse. He was one sick young man. Once again the Lord touched him and he was alright. Then on May 26th his Grand-ma that he was very close to passed away. The doctors let him leave Austin to go to her funeral in Van Horn. The trip was very hard on him but he wanted and needed to go.

FUNERAL CONDUCTED SATURDAY, MAY
29 FOR BIVIANA VALENZUELA
Biviana S. Valenzuela of Goldthwaite, Texas, died
Wednesday, May 26, 1999 at Brownwood Regional
Medical Center, Brownwood, Texas. She was 66
years of age.
She was born December 2, 1932 in Pilares, Mexica
to Julio Sanchez and Francisca (Vejar) Sanchez.
She married Hugh Outlaw in 1959. He preceded her
in death in 1982. She moved to Van Horn in 1957,
then to Goldthwaite in 1979. She moved back to
Van Horn and married Lucas Valenzuela and lived
there until Lucas died. She has been living in
Goldthwaite since 1990.
She was a member of the Goldthwaite Evangelism
Church and a homemaker.
Besides her husbands, she was also preceded in
death by a son, Billy Harvey Outlaw.
Survivors are three sons, Bique Ramirez of San
Antonio, Jesse F. Outlaw of Austin, and Bobby J.
Outlaw of Goldthwaite; one daughter, Hazel
Kincheloe of Star; 17 grandchildren; three great
grandchildren; and two step grandchildren.
She is also survived by eleven brothers and sisters,
Maria Franco, Juan Sanchez, Julia Muro, Gavina
Payan, Faustina Flores, Ben Sanchez, Dolores
Sanchez, Simon Sanchez, Lupe Sanchez Tarango,
Ramon Sanchez and Polo Montoya.
The funeral was Saturday May 29, 1999 at 2:00
p.m. at the Van Horn Assembly of God Church.
Officiating the service were David Mullins, Jimmy
Sellers, and Norita Ayers. Burial was in the Van
Horn City Cemetery, Van Horn, Texas.

After three weeks in the hospital B.J.. finally got to come home. He had to hook up to a dialysis machine every night for 10 hrs. to do peritoniel dialysis and then do another exchange every day after school which took about an hour. He was something else because he never spent his time complaining. I have never known anyone with a better attitude or stronger faith in his Lord than B.J. had. He "is" awesome. He never did get to finish his Freshman year but the school did let him go on to be a Sophmore anyway. We were relieved because he had missed a lot of days his Freshman year.

March 1, 2000

In March '00 B.J. got his first car. It was a little white Nissan Sentra. It's funny cause he didn't have his Dr. Lic. yet so he didn't even get to drive it. That was ok with Mom and Dad because we were a little (alright a lot) worried about him driving in case he had seizures again. Thank the Lord he never did! He was more than happy when he got his Lic. and got to start driving. Then it was watch out world here comes Mr.Cool!

July 1, 2000

In July of 2000 the Make A Wish foundation gave B.J. his wish to go to King Mountain Ranch in Granby Colorado. Our whole family went for a week and his favorite cousin Daniel got to go with us. He got to be a cowboy for a week. They treated him like a king and he loved it.

October 1, 2000

In October of 2000 B.J. had to have his cathiter for his peritonel dialysis replaced so it meant surgery again. After he got out of the hosp. we had to take him back to Austin (108 miles) three times a week for a month for hemodialysis while his surgery healed. The other two days a week he went to school. He was absolutely amazing! I think most people would have taken the month off but not B.J. He was determined to do what he needed to do. What FIGHT our boy had in him!

August 2001

School started in August and our B.J. was a "SENIOR". Where had all the years gone? He wasn't a little boy anymore...he was becoming quiet a young man. We were so proud of him. He had had to work hard all his years of school because of his health and he had made it so far.

December 12, 2001

On Dec.12,2001 Johnathan came to live with us at 20 days old. He would later become B.J.'s long awaited little brother. B.J. bonded with him imediately. Johnathan had a lot of health problems at the time and him and B.J. seemed to understand each other. Johnathan was one of the best things that ever happened to B.J. He gave him a reason to continue on in life. One of B.J.'s favorite songs became "
I Want To Be Just Like You Cause He Wants To Be Like Me". B.J. lived for the Lord and he wanted Johnathan to also. He set a perfect example for him to follow. Oh how he loved him!
Johnathan was suppose to be like B.J. not the other way around. I think all of them were just a little confused here. Maybe they were wanting to be like Johnathan!

January 2002

In January of '02 while at church one night B.J.'s legs went paralyzed. Back to the hospital in Austin we went. They said he had a stroke of the spine. Many prayers went up for him and once again the Lord touched and healed him completely! Is it any wonder that B.J. had a faith in the Lord that could not be shaken?

May 31, 2002

On May 31,2002 we watched as our son
Bobby Jack Outlaw II recieved his High School Diploma at Goldthwaite High School. Never had we been so proud! He had worked hard and he made it!

July 4, 2002

On July 4,2002 B.J. went to work for SNT with his Dad. He was a hard worker and his Dad enjoyed having him working with him. He was able to learn quickly and he done his job well. They built (pecan shellers) called DFS-10 a Dust Free Sheller.
http://www.4pecans.com He worked there until he passed away on Dec. 1, 2003. Bobby will always miss B.J. being at work with him. It will never be the same for him again.

August 1, 2002

In August of '02 B.J. bought himself a new car. It was a 1996 Isuzu Sidekick. It was 4 different shades of glittery boat paint "ORANGE". He absolutly loved it. You could see him coming from far...........far away. I called it his "GLITTER BUG". It fit his personality perfectly. It was uniqe like him...one of a kind! We sold it this past year sometime in '06 and that was hard. I found out today 4-2-07 that it got taken to Mexico on the weekend and I cried. We planned it that way because we couldn't stand to see anyone else driving it but still it felt like we were losing a part of B.J. all over again.

December 24, 2002

This was our last Christmas with B.J.here. We had a wonderful Christmas. B.J. had bought so many presents for everyone and it made him so happy. He usually only gave 1 to each of us but that year he gave lots. I can still see the joy on his face as he watched us open our gifts from him. All he ever cared about was blessing the people in his life that he loved. We were so blessed of God to have him in our life while we did. He will forever be missed and yet always be in our hearts.

The one gift he had asked for that year was the Kirk Franklin CD titled "whatch lookin 4" and we did get it for him. You would have thought he was blessed with the most awesome gift ever when he opened it. He was so funny, he could have went at any time and bought it for himself but instead he gave us such a good memory of seeing how happy we had made him.

March 26, 2003

On March 26,2003 B.J. finally got the little brother he had always wanted...Johnathan's adoption finally went through even though he actually became a part of our family on Dec. 12, 2001 the day he came into our lives. I can remember saying to B.J. Well you always said you wanted a little brother but I guess you didn't mean with a 17 year age difference did you? He said........17 years is okay, at least I got him! Oh how I wish B.J. was still here for Johnathan. They were so close and loved each other so completely....And always will.

April 2003

In April 2003 our Pastor's wife Ima Mullins put a Letter to the Editor in our local news paper. I'm including a copy of it here. We appreciated what she did and also all the support and prayers we recieved at that time.

May 5, 2003

On May 5,2003 B.J. had a kidney transplant done at Galveston,Tx. His Dad gave him the ultimate gift when he gave him one of his own kidneys. It gave B.J. a freedom he had not had since he had began dialysis in May of 1999. B.J. loved this new freedom! He was so thankful for what his Dad had done for him. It put a stronger bond between them than had ever been there before. His Dad wanted so much to make B.J. well.

May 13, 2003

This was my last Mother's Day with my B.J. He was still in the hosp. from having his transplant. Dad was out of the hosp. and resting in the Motel room. It was just B.J., Johnathan and I together for Mother's Day. B.J. took me out to eat burgers in the hospital cafeteria. We had a WONDERFUL time. Then we went to the gift shop and he and Johnathan bought me a white bear with candy and a balloon. I will cherish this memory for the rest of my life.

May 17, 2003

On May 17, 2003 B.J. turned 19 years old. He had gotten out of the hospital but we were still in Galveston... It was just B.J., Mama,Daddy, and Johnathan together for his birthday. I made him a chocolate pudding pie with cool whip in a grahm cracker crust (his all time favorite) there in the motel room and we celebrated his birthday. When we came home at the end of the month he wanted another pie so he could celebrate with his sisters and...HE GOT IT!

November 1, 2003

I remember sometime in November right before B.J. left he was looking through my can of cards and found a card in there and told me it was the one he was going to give me on my next birthday since I was turning 40 that year. It was a sympathy card! He was being silly and it was too funny. Little did I know that it would be so appropriate because he would leave in Dec. before my birthday in Jan. I got that card out and signed it to Mom from B.J. and every year on my birthday I take it out of his album where I keep it and read it.

November 27, 2003

This was to be our last Thanksgiving with B.J. here with us. He was sick and we had no idea the Lord was about to call him home. We spent Thanksgiving with B.J.'s aunt Hazel and uncle Jesse and their families. We all had a great time. No one expected it to be the last time we would all be together. I will always be thankful for the time we were given. Just 4 days later our world was turned upside down and our hearts were broken. Life as we knew it changed forever...

December 1, 2003

On Monday December 1, 2003 at 11:25 pm Jesus came and took our B.J. to live with him in Heaven. B.J. had lived his life waiting for this day to come but we were not ready to let him go. We were not given a choice. Our hearts are forever broken and life will never be the same without him. B.J. you enjoy your life there in Heaven because you deserve it, but... you keep watching those gates cause we'll be coming through them one day to join you and WON'T WE HAVE A TIME WHEN WE GET THERE? The most awful day of our lives is written in the following words...

B.J. had been sick for a few days but he had been sick many times in the past and always got well. This time he wouldn't...not here anyway.
On Monday morning December 1, 2003 B.J.'s Dad left for work and his sisters left for school and I woke B.J. up so he could go get his routine blood work done. He had to have his blood checked twice a week after he had his kidney transplant done in May 03.
His breathing didn't sound good so I gave him a breathing treatment but it didn't seem to be helping. He told me Mama, I don't think I can drive myself to my appt. I told him it's ok I'll take you just let me get Johnathan (his little brother) up and we would go. He had to always get it drawn between 8:30 and 9:00.
He got dressed but he was too weak to put his shoes on so I put them on for him. I headed to take Johnathan out to the van and B.J. stood up to come but after just a few steps he said Mom I don't think I can make it.
I pulled him up a chair to sit down in and said you know what? I'm going to call an ambulance to come get you Buddy cause I think we better get you to the hospital. I called the ambulance then called his Dad. Then I called his transplant coordinator so she could arrange for a care flight to come to the hospital and pick him up and take him to Galveston where his Doctors were.
I then set down beside him and told him how much I loved him and how sorry I was for all the times I had gripped at him and asked him to forgive me for anything I had done wrong. I can still hear him say I love you too Mama. I'm not upset at you about anything, I know you love me. I told him how proud I was of him and how I wasn't upset with him about anything either. I think part of me must have known he was going to die. I just sat there with him and hugged him and cried and told him over and over how much I loved him and how I wanted him to be ok. He just kept telling me I'm alright Mama. He had such peace and trust in the Lord and I was so scared.
The ambulance came and his Dad rode with him and I drove Johnathan and I to the hospital 35 miles away... Johnathan's health wasn't good back then and I was his main caregiver, I had to stay with him.
When I got to the hospital Bobby and I traded places and I stayed with B.J. for a while. It was time to feed Johnathan and he was tube fed then so we traded places once again so I could feed him. After a little while a nurse came and told me to come to this other room. I told her no...that's where they put you to tell you that your child is going to die. We had been put in those rooms two times in the past when we nearly lost him, I didn't want to go. She told me no, they just wanted to get me closer to B.J. and to make Johnathan and I more comfortable so I went.
By then we were waiting on the plane that would fly B.J. out. I called a close friend of mine and told her I didn't think B.J. was going to make it...this time was different. I also called my kids and told them he was very sick and we were flying him to Galveston.
I went in to see B.J. again and it was terrible. He was breathing so hard and his heart was too slow. They were trying to draw blood and none would come out... His body was shutting down.
I had to go pick up Johnathan's feeding bags across town because I didn't have anymore with me or at home and I knew we would be gone for a long time. No one else could sign for them so I had to go. That was the last time I saw B.J. awake.
When I came back about 30 minutes later they had put him to sleep to put a breathing tube in him to have him ready for flying.
They told me to get on the road because I had to drive 6 hours and it would only take them a couple. I came home and packed quickly and my Pastors wife came to drive me. My Pastor picked up our kids and was going to meet us in Galveston. By now it's 4:30 pm.
We get about 2 hours away and they call me and tell me that they just left again, they had to come back the first time to try to stabilize him. I asked his Doctor on the phone if B.J. was going to be alright and told him don't you lie to me. He said I don't think so. I just thought my world came to an end.
We got half way to Galveston and got the call to backtrack 2 hours to Waco they had to land there because they were losing him. His heart kept stopping.
When we drove up my assistant pastors wife was outside waiting. I said Merry is B.J. alright? and she just shook her head no. Her eyes told me everything. I said is he alive? and she said yes but you need to hurry.
I threw Johnathan to someone, I don't know who and we took off running across the parking lot. My two youngest daughters jumped out of the car they were in and ran with us.
We ran through the halls of the hospital and went up to his floor and there was his Dad waiting. His face told me the same thing Merry's had.
Bobby and I went in and it was the most awful site I had ever seen. I had seen B.J. many times with lots of tubes and wires but this time was different.
Once again they put us in that room and our Pastor went with us. All those doctors (so many) were there. They told us B.J. had no function in his brain. The machines were all that was keeping him alive. His little body had completely shut down. God we couldn't keep him on machines. We had to let him go. No one should have to do that. NO ONE! They asked us if we wanted him to be a donor and we said no, he had been cut on too many times already and no one was going to cut on him ever again. They understood.
My family went in to tell him goodbye for the last time. We couldn't get ahold of his oldest sister to tell her because she was on her way to Galveston and was only 50 miles from there before she stopped and called someone from a payphone.
At 11:25 pm. they pronounced him dead. Our world did end then. Never to be the same again.
We waited for Amanda to get there before we left. It was around 2:00 am. I think before we finally headed home without our son and brother.
There were over 40 people in the waiting room besides our family. All of them had driven almost 2 hours to be there for B.J. We all had to leave without him and with our faith crushed.
I can't even begin to say how many times these very people had prayed with us for B.J. and he was alright. This time the Lord said no. I will never understand.
We taught B.J. many things in his 19 1/2 years but in that one day he taught us so much more. He taught us how to die with peace in your heart and trust in our Lord. Through it all he never acted as though he were afraid. We tried to teach him how to live and he taught us how to die. I only hope when my time does come I can be as full of faith as my son was.
I know I've taken up a lot of space and I'm sorry. I've just wanted to share this day with you for so long and was just now able to. I couldn't put every detail I remember but this is the main part of that terrible terrible day. Thank you for listening.
Please continue to keep our family in your prayers, there are still so many hard hard days. We miss B.J. so much. He was such a good boy. A Son to be proud of, and we were proud of him...we always will be.
You know I will always be so thankful that I got that time to talk with B.J. When I said I was telling him I was sorry, I was just making sure everything was ok between us. I mean I knew it was because we were very close. We never had gotten upset with each other and let it stay that way. We were Mom and son but we were friends too. I know without a doubt he knew he was loved. I just needed to make sure. I was so scared.
I know he is healthy and happy and after all he had been through I would never want to take that from him. I just want him with me.
B.J. will always be my hero... His life and his death will not have been in vain. I will always do what I can in his memory to make him proud of me. So much of my time was spent on him while he was here with me and now my time will be spent doing what I can to keep his memory alive and to reach out to others that are hurting too. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.
Slowly my faith is being restored and I have come to know that the Lords plan had to be and that He doesn't make mistakes but it hasn't been easy to learn. I still have days like now that it's one step forward and three steps back but I will continue on. I won't let B.J.'s death cause me to not make it to Heaven. I believe it is part of what it is going to take to make sure I get there. I am learning that I have to have the Lord, there's just no other way for me. I have to keep going to His word and learning what I need to do so that I can be with B.J., Wayne and Buck again someday. I've got to make it.
Oh how I miss my boy. With every breath I take, with every beat of my heart, I miss him.
I know B.J. had health problems since he was one year old, but you can see by his pictures he was so full of life. He never let it stop him. He was always on the go. The Lord had always been so good to him. His Doctors were always amazed at how well he seemed when he was really so sick.
The Lord was always his strength and I will be forever thankful. I know his health was bad but he wasn't sick. Do I make any sense at all? You can see it in his pictures. He just wasn't sickly. His death was so unexpected.
People have told me, Cindy you knew you would outlive him. I DID NOT KNOW THAT! Look at him, he looked so healthy most of the time and he was so active. I did not ever think I would outlive my son. I've been told I just lived in denial. I did not. I lived with faith. And I lived with a son that had more life than so many healthy people in this world. It had nothing to do with denial. It had everything to do with the Lords goodness and faithfulness to a young man that loved Him and trusted Him. B.J. was faithful to Him and He was faithful to B.J. So many can't understand that but this Mama knows the truth.
Thank you for caring and for listening to me. It means so much. So many don't want to listen because it makes them uncomfortable. I don't expect anyone to make everything alright. It can't be made alright.
Oh I can't wait.............

May 2004

Dad built B.J. a beautiful cross marker for his gravesite. B.J. had told us at one point that he didn't want a tombstone. He said it was just a rock and he didn't want one. He said he wouldn't be there anyway. We wanted to honor what he said but we still wanted some kind of a marker for his grave.
B.J. use to draw crosses with hearts and roses on them all the time so that is where Bobby got the idea for the cross with a heart. It turned out beautiful and I know B...J. would say it is perfect.
It says...I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith...
II Timothy 4:7

October 10, 2007

I've waited long enough, it's time to write what I feel.
I don't think B.J. "knew" his time was up here on earth but I know the Lord did and I believe He brought about some things that we would need when He did take B.J. home with Him.
About a month before B.J. died, his youth group went out to the cemetery as part of a Sunday School discussion. It I think was to help them to understand that everyone will have to face death and eternity someday and she wanted to help make sure they were going to strive to make Heaven their eternal home.. They all gathered under a tree that is just across from where B.J. is at now and prayed. Many times since he died I've looked in that direction and felt the prayers those young people prayed that day and felt strength to continue on because B.J. had been one of the ones praying. I believe the Lord knew exactly what he was doing.
Then 2 weeks before B.J. died, he was a pall barrier for a mans funeral and he told us that he didn't understand why people had to dress up to be pall barriers...why couldn't they just dress comfortable in jeans or whatever they wanted to wear? He wasn't complaining, just wondering. Well I explained that it's out of respect to what ever the family wants and he was ok with that. So when we had his funeral we told the young men that were his pall barriers to just dress how they wanted to because we knew that was what B.J. wanted.
During this same trip to the cemetery (when he was a pall barrier) he told us...when I die I don't want a tomb stone. Why do they put em anyway? They're just rocks and we're not even going to be there anyway. Once again I told him B.J. it's what the family members do for their loved ones.. It's their way of honoring them. And of course I told him I didn't want to talk about it cause I didn't like the idea of it...end of discussion. Well, 2 weeks later he is gone and our conversation comes back to me. So we will never buy a tomb stone for his grave because to us it would be going against what he wanted. His Dad did build him a beautiful stainless steal cross so he would have a marker but we just can't do a stone. The cross is one like pictures he use to draw with roses and so we keep roses on it all the time. I have put a picture of it here.
As odd as it may sound he had even made remarks as to what songs he would like at his funeral when he died...like I said he had just been in a funeral so at the time none of this seemed odd to me. But it all came back. Without really doing it B.J. told us exactly how and what he wanted when he died.
He always said he would never get married and never have children and he was right. He knew how to treat girls with such respect and he loved kids, he would have been such a good husband and Daddy someday. It just wasn't meant to be.
Not long before he died I had told him well Buddy on your next birthday you'll be the big 20...how are you going to like it never to be a teenager again? He said, I like being a teenager....he died at 19.
I could go on and on with other things like how we knew what casket to pick and what part of the cemetery to bury him in but I think I've shared enough.
So do I think he knew? No but he was ready and the Lord knew and I just have to accept what I can't change. Like he told me....Heaven will be worth it.
I will never forget the peace that was in B.J.'s face those last few days that he was sick. His faith was strong and he wasn't afraid. Not once during those days all the way up till when he died did I ever see fear in his face or his eyes. We tried to teach B.J. how to live and he taught us how to die. I just hope I can follow in his footsteps when my time comes.