Bobby Jack Outlaw II

B.J. it's so hard to believe that 6 years ago today we went to Galveston to get ready for your Kidney Transplant. So often I still wonder if we made a wrong decision. I know you did well with it for a while and it gave you a freedom you hadn't known in years but Buddy I can't help but wonder. I miss you so much. Life is still so messed up with you not here. Why did it have to turn out this way? Why couldn't Jesus just heal you and let you stay here with us? How can this be what was for the best? I know it's wonderful for you but B.J. it's so hard for the rest of us. We miss you so much. It seems like forever since you've been gone and yet it seems like you were just here. It's so hard for my heart to accept. I love you Buddy, I always have and I always will.

Love, Mama

Look Buddy, I found one of you when you were little helping Dad work on the Bronco. You took all the bolts out of the Transmission for him and you were only 4 years old. What an awesome little helper you were!

Love, Mama

Buddy I was watching Johnathan outside helping Dad with a B-B-Q pit today and so many memories of you helping Dad over the years came flooding back to me. You were just like Johnathan and was Dad's little helper from a young age. I know it must make you feel so proud to know he is following right along in your foot steps. I just wanted to put a picture of him here for you.

I sure miss you so much Buddy.

Love, Mama

Remembering our boys at Easter.

April 12th 2009

Forever loved...

Never forgotten!

We had three candles burning for you during both services at Church. No one asked what they were for but I think most people already knew.

Love, Mama

Wonderful, Merciful, Savior

Verse 1

Wonderful, Merciful, Savior, Precious Redeemer and Friend,

Who would have thought that a Lamb could,

Rescue the souls of men, oh You rescue the souls of men.

Verse 2

Councelor, Comforter, Keeper, Spirit we long to embrace,

You offer hope when our hearts have,

Hopelessly lost our way, oh we've hopelessly lost the way.

Chorus

You are the One that we praise, You are the One we adore,

You give the healing and grace our,

Hearts always hunger for, oh our hearts always hunger for.

Verse3

Almighty, Infinate, Father, faithfully loving Your own,

Here in our weakness You find us,

Falling before Your throne, oh we're falling before Your throne.

Look my sweet little ones. I got you both included in the 2009 OFB Montage and I just wanted to share it here with you and Bubba. Your names and pictures show at about 1.46 (close to the beginning). It's just something special I did to help keep your memory alive...

I'll never stop loving you and I'll never ever forget you.
Love, Mama

http://www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=84ecbd4fd2d2b2dd8dcf23&skin_id=1603&utm_source=otm&utm_medium=image

Oh Buddy, today is 6 years since your little brother Johnathan's addoption became final. You always wanted a little brother and you were finally blessed with one on this day. Yes he became your little brother over a year before that when the Lord brought him to us but on this day it became legal. But then all too soon you had to leave. I don't understand why it had to be that way. Johnathan needs his big brother so much. I know you're so proud of him B.J. He's got so many ways like you even though he was only barely two years old when you had to go. It's so bittersweet.

Love, Mama

Buddy I haven't had any pictures taken of the kids (professionaly) since you left except the ones that look antique because I just couldn't make myself do it. But Kayla finally took Sarah a few weeks ago for me and I'm going to take Johnathan in another week or so. I feel so bad about it but I just couldn't do it. So now I'm bringing a picture of her to you. Isn't she beautiful?

Love, Mama

Hey Buddy I came to share some good news with you. Sarah is an Honor Student this year. She's been accepted into the National Honor Society and she's having her Honor's Banquet tomorrow night. Aren't you just so proud of her? I know we are. After you left she struggled with school for so long. This year she is finally making a come back with her grades. I'll take pitures of her at the Banquet tomorrow and come back and put some here for you. Oh Buddy how I wish you were here for her.

Love, Mama

This is Sarah getting her Medal.

Isn't she beautiful Buddy?

Here's an upclose picture of her Medal.

Happy Birthday Amanda!

26 years old on March 3rd

Happy Birthday Amanda, I love you!

Love, B.J.

Happy Birthday Amanda, we love you!

Love, Wayne 'n Buck

Buddy last night when we had to go to the ER for Kayla I knew I had to brace myself because that  is the last place I got to talk to you with you  awake on the day you left. So I just made up my mind I would handle it. When they let me go back to see her I had to walk right past the trauma center room where you had been and  it was open. It nearly made me sick but I got past it. But when I was coming back I stopped and just looked inside. I wanted so badly to go in there and just cry for you but I knew I better not. As crazy as that sounds...you have to understand that's the last place we were together with you awake. I wanted to go back in time I guess.
After Dad went back to see Kayla for a while and they said they were going to put her in a room I was going to go tell her bye before coming home. Dad told me to go through the other way so I wouldn't have to go past the trauma room. I told him I didn't want to go that way because I didn't want to go in the "other room". The one I waited in on that day...you know the one they tell you the bad things in. He wasn't talking about that door but I was confused and thought he was. He just said go Cindy the nurse is unlocking it for you so I went. I got inside that little room and the other door was still locked. I kept trying to get it to open and the whole time I was feeling like a caged animal in there. Memories came flooding back and I just ran. I went back in there and told Daddy they won't unlock the door and now I can't go. About that time a nurse opened another door and I told Dad I couldn't go for him to just go. Then I lost it. Poor Amanda  just set there with her arm around me and tried to comfort me. B.J. we just miss you so much!  I asked Dad later why he sent me that way knowing it was that awful room and he told me then he was talking about the glass door. I thought that door lead outside! I guess I was just too confused to know what I was suppose to do. All I know is I don't like how it's all made me feel. I hate that room. I hate everything about it all. I hate it that you're gone B.J.
When Daddy got back there they let him hear the baby's heartbeat. It was suppose to be me hearing it but no I was up front falling apart! Now I have to wait. It's ok cause he's Paw Paw and it was special for him but I'm still disappointed.

B.J. none of this is right. It's all so messed up and unfair...and there's nothing I can do to make it different.

I love you and miss you so much!

Love, Mama

Still So Hard To Believe...

I still find it so hard to believe

That you really went away.

How could it have happened?

Why weren't you allowed to stay?

Why did it have to be your time

To tell us all goodbye?

Why did your little body stop?

Why did you have to die?

Oh B.J. didn't the Lord know

What it would do to me?

I find it so hard to accept,

The good I just can't see.

It's been so long since I've seen your face

And held you close to my heart.

The days have turned to years now,

That we've had to be apart.

I miss you more with each passing day

There's just no words to explain.

How can your Mama continue on

Living with all this pain?

The Lord has got to help me

It hurts so very much.

Please tell Him that I need Him now

I need to feel His touch.

I love you boys!

Love, Mama

Buddy tonight is our Church Valentines Banquet. Oh how I wish you could be there. I'm going to miss you being there. It's just not the same without you. I'll go and I'll pretend to have a good time and then I'll come home and cry for you. I'm only going because I know you would want me to and to honor you and the memories I hold in my heart and mind of the ones past that you went to. Please at least let me feel you there in my heart. I love you B.J. and I miss you so much.

Love, Mama

Sweet boys we live for the day that we get to see and hold you both for the very first time. How we've missed out on so much all these years. We do love you and we always will.

Love, Mama and Daddy

Wayne and Buck, I just had to come and tell you thank you for the blessing you sent me tonight. When Dianne put the wrong year on your graphic over on the MO site you messed with her just like the kind of thing B.J. liked to do when he was still here. It let me see some of your personality...it let me know you both a little  better and for that I am so thankful. I've always longed to get to know you more and now I feel like I do. I've been blessed with a wonderful gift that I will never forget. I love you both so much just as I love B.J. and your other brother and sisters. Even if I didn't get to keep you here with me in the physical...you both have always been in my heart and there you will stay.

Love, Mama

Here's the email Dianne sent me...

Hello Cindy,

I left Buck and Wayne a tribute. After I hit submit I realized I put 1988 instead of 1986.
Imagine that! Well I corrected the graphic and have tried to redo the tribute. This is weird!
The one in my PhotoBucket has 1986 but every time I load it into a new tribute it shows 1988!
I have reloaded it again in PhotoBucket and tried refreshing with no luck. I've closed out of the
boys site and came back and still it's 1988! Would you mind going into edit and adding the corrected
one? Maybe it will work that way. I'm sorry!!!
Hugs,
Dianne
Well I looked at the one I had saved and yes the date was wrong so I saved the new one she sent me and loaded it into my PhotoBucket and went to change it out. When I got there the one she had put with the wrong date had the right date on it. It made me so happy. You boys were messing with her...just like something B.J. would have done! That means so much to me and blesses me in such a way there are no words to explain it. Like I told Dianne, I've always wondered what you would have been like and tonight I've been given such a special gift. Tonight I got to see a little of your personalities come through. There was no way that link could have changed like it did. I should have had to reload the new link. Like I said...I'm so blessed. I know my babies a little better...

Just that much closer to being with you forever!

Love, Mama

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B.J., it's been 5 long sad years without you and we miss you so much. We'll never stop loving you and we'll never stop missing you either.

Love forever and always, Mama & Daddy