Bobby Jack Outlaw II

Oh Buddy, today is 6 years since your little brother Johnathan's addoption became final. You always wanted a little brother and you were finally blessed with one on this day. Yes he became your little brother over a year before that when the Lord brought him to us but on this day it became legal. But then all too soon you had to leave. I don't understand why it had to be that way. Johnathan needs his big brother so much. I know you're so proud of him B.J. He's got so many ways like you even though he was only barely two years old when you had to go. It's so bittersweet.

Love, Mama

Buddy I haven't had any pictures taken of the kids (professionaly) since you left except the ones that look antique because I just couldn't make myself do it. But Kayla finally took Sarah a few weeks ago for me and I'm going to take Johnathan in another week or so. I feel so bad about it but I just couldn't do it. So now I'm bringing a picture of her to you. Isn't she beautiful?

Love, Mama

Hey Buddy I came to share some good news with you. Sarah is an Honor Student this year. She's been accepted into the National Honor Society and she's having her Honor's Banquet tomorrow night. Aren't you just so proud of her? I know we are. After you left she struggled with school for so long. This year she is finally making a come back with her grades. I'll take pitures of her at the Banquet tomorrow and come back and put some here for you. Oh Buddy how I wish you were here for her.

Love, Mama

This is Sarah getting her Medal.

Isn't she beautiful Buddy?

Here's an upclose picture of her Medal.

Happy Birthday Amanda!

26 years old on March 3rd

Happy Birthday Amanda, I love you!

Love, B.J.

Happy Birthday Amanda, we love you!

Love, Wayne 'n Buck

Buddy last night when we had to go to the ER for Kayla I knew I had to brace myself because that  is the last place I got to talk to you with you  awake on the day you left. So I just made up my mind I would handle it. When they let me go back to see her I had to walk right past the trauma center room where you had been and  it was open. It nearly made me sick but I got past it. But when I was coming back I stopped and just looked inside. I wanted so badly to go in there and just cry for you but I knew I better not. As crazy as that sounds...you have to understand that's the last place we were together with you awake. I wanted to go back in time I guess.
After Dad went back to see Kayla for a while and they said they were going to put her in a room I was going to go tell her bye before coming home. Dad told me to go through the other way so I wouldn't have to go past the trauma room. I told him I didn't want to go that way because I didn't want to go in the "other room". The one I waited in on that day...you know the one they tell you the bad things in. He wasn't talking about that door but I was confused and thought he was. He just said go Cindy the nurse is unlocking it for you so I went. I got inside that little room and the other door was still locked. I kept trying to get it to open and the whole time I was feeling like a caged animal in there. Memories came flooding back and I just ran. I went back in there and told Daddy they won't unlock the door and now I can't go. About that time a nurse opened another door and I told Dad I couldn't go for him to just go. Then I lost it. Poor Amanda  just set there with her arm around me and tried to comfort me. B.J. we just miss you so much!  I asked Dad later why he sent me that way knowing it was that awful room and he told me then he was talking about the glass door. I thought that door lead outside! I guess I was just too confused to know what I was suppose to do. All I know is I don't like how it's all made me feel. I hate that room. I hate everything about it all. I hate it that you're gone B.J.
When Daddy got back there they let him hear the baby's heartbeat. It was suppose to be me hearing it but no I was up front falling apart! Now I have to wait. It's ok cause he's Paw Paw and it was special for him but I'm still disappointed.

B.J. none of this is right. It's all so messed up and unfair...and there's nothing I can do to make it different.

I love you and miss you so much!

Love, Mama

Still So Hard To Believe...

I still find it so hard to believe

That you really went away.

How could it have happened?

Why weren't you allowed to stay?

Why did it have to be your time

To tell us all goodbye?

Why did your little body stop?

Why did you have to die?

Oh B.J. didn't the Lord know

What it would do to me?

I find it so hard to accept,

The good I just can't see.

It's been so long since I've seen your face

And held you close to my heart.

The days have turned to years now,

That we've had to be apart.

I miss you more with each passing day

There's just no words to explain.

How can your Mama continue on

Living with all this pain?

The Lord has got to help me

It hurts so very much.

Please tell Him that I need Him now

I need to feel His touch.

I love you boys!

Love, Mama

Buddy tonight is our Church Valentines Banquet. Oh how I wish you could be there. I'm going to miss you being there. It's just not the same without you. I'll go and I'll pretend to have a good time and then I'll come home and cry for you. I'm only going because I know you would want me to and to honor you and the memories I hold in my heart and mind of the ones past that you went to. Please at least let me feel you there in my heart. I love you B.J. and I miss you so much.

Love, Mama

Sweet boys we live for the day that we get to see and hold you both for the very first time. How we've missed out on so much all these years. We do love you and we always will.

Love, Mama and Daddy

Wayne and Buck, I just had to come and tell you thank you for the blessing you sent me tonight. When Dianne put the wrong year on your graphic over on the MO site you messed with her just like the kind of thing B.J. liked to do when he was still here. It let me see some of your personality...it let me know you both a little  better and for that I am so thankful. I've always longed to get to know you more and now I feel like I do. I've been blessed with a wonderful gift that I will never forget. I love you both so much just as I love B.J. and your other brother and sisters. Even if I didn't get to keep you here with me in the physical...you both have always been in my heart and there you will stay.

Love, Mama

Here's the email Dianne sent me...

Hello Cindy,

I left Buck and Wayne a tribute. After I hit submit I realized I put 1988 instead of 1986.
Imagine that! Well I corrected the graphic and have tried to redo the tribute. This is weird!
The one in my PhotoBucket has 1986 but every time I load it into a new tribute it shows 1988!
I have reloaded it again in PhotoBucket and tried refreshing with no luck. I've closed out of the
boys site and came back and still it's 1988! Would you mind going into edit and adding the corrected
one? Maybe it will work that way. I'm sorry!!!
Hugs,
Dianne
Well I looked at the one I had saved and yes the date was wrong so I saved the new one she sent me and loaded it into my PhotoBucket and went to change it out. When I got there the one she had put with the wrong date had the right date on it. It made me so happy. You boys were messing with her...just like something B.J. would have done! That means so much to me and blesses me in such a way there are no words to explain it. Like I told Dianne, I've always wondered what you would have been like and tonight I've been given such a special gift. Tonight I got to see a little of your personalities come through. There was no way that link could have changed like it did. I should have had to reload the new link. Like I said...I'm so blessed. I know my babies a little better...

Just that much closer to being with you forever!

Love, Mama

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B.J., it's been 5 long sad years without you and we miss you so much. We'll never stop loving you and we'll never stop missing you either.

Love forever and always, Mama & Daddy

Happy 21st Birthday to our beautiful little sister Kayla!

We love you!

Buddy, this makes me think of you. Oh how I hope my quilt will be so beautiful as yours is some day.

I love you, Mama

*****************************************************

As I faced my Maker at the last Judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with Giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with every day of my life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer,
Asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was. I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord
Stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, "Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My Struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of You."

To my Buddy...
 
The days turned to months
The months have turned to years.
Even with all the distance
There's still so many tears.
 
I still can't believe
The day really came.
That I had to let you go
Life will never be the same.
 
There's many wonderful memories
And many sad ones too.
My heart will smile and then it breaks
With just a thought of you.
 
I never knew it could hurt this much
The pain...it rips my heart.
I just miss you more and more
The longer we're apart.
 
How I long for that day
When I join you up above.
And once again I hold you close
And give you all my love.
 
Keep watching for me Buddy Boy
Cause I'll be there when I can.
There must be more I have to do
To complete our Master's Plan.

Mama will always love you B.J.

Happy Birthday to our beautiful little sister

Sarah Beth!

We love you!

Look Buddy, Johnathan got his first burr at 6 years old just like you did! Aren't you both so cute!?!

Love, Mama