Bobby Jack Outlaw II

Well Buddy, I went to Tommie's wedding and she sure made a beautiful bride. I know you would have been proud. Oh but B.J. it was so hard for me to be there. While I sat there waiting for it to start the tears started. All I could think is...you should have been there! Finally I turned around to Sister Mullins and told her to pray for me...then I lost it. She came and sat with me and prayed for me. I'm so glad she did...I didn't think I was going to be able to stay. After she prayed though a peace settled on me and I was able to enjoy it ok. I still wish you could have been there though.

Love you forever, Mama

I could set here and write a sad story or a happy story and someone could come along and read it and be inspired or touched in the heart. The truth is though, I just miss you. I don't want the pitty or the hand on the shoulder, or the call asking if I'm okay. You know why? Because it doesn't matter how much everyone is there for me it will never be the same without you. I have a feeling in my heart, and I hate it. It's so empty and dark, I feel so cold and I'm ashamed of myself. Big girls don't cry...

Life isn't fair nothing about it is, maybe that's why you aren't here with me. And we all know what that means. No more drives around town till it's curfew time. No more sharing Dr Pepper's and butterfingers stashed in the back of the car. No more 3 hour long monopoly games eating cheese fries. No more tying Sarah to poles with scarves. No more of me sneaking into your room after mom and dad had gone to sleep and talking. No more planning crazy things. No more hiking and camping. No more chasing armadillos. No more falling out of trees or coming up with new plans for the next greatest tree house. No more sneeking in the dog through your window, when we knew we weren't supposed to. No more talking about who we had a crush on while we laid on the trampoline. No more playing on the broken race car. No more fighting and having to be made to hug.

If only you knew what I would do just to see you one more time. I wouldn't need a lifetime, or a year, or a month or even a day. Just to see you one more time, in a dream, in my mind, in a picture. What I woldn't give to hear you laugh, to see you sleep, to watch you pray, to run with you, anything. Like I said life isn't fair, why must we be made to grieve?

They will never understand me.

I'm not like them.

I don't want the pitty.

I don't want to be alone though.

I'm stronger now.

I have to be.

I didn't lose you.

You left me.

I hate it.

I love you.

I miss you.

Please just make it end.

I love my boys so much!

Buddy tonight I went to my email and I got this letter from someone that just touched my heart in such a special way. I want to hold on to it forever so I'm putting it here for you. B.J. I was always so proud of you and I still am. Your life made a difference and it continues to. Thank you for being such a wonderful son...for being my son. I love you and miss you so much.

Please ask Jesus to touch and bless this family. I know their hearts are so broken. Thank you Buddy.

Love forever, Mama

Cindy, I have just read your website for your sons. I am so deeply moved by it. I couldn't stop reading it, even though I needed to get in the bed. And here I am emailing you. I felt like I couldn't wait until tomorrow. BJ's story just touched my heart so much. What a legacy. What a testimony. I don't know why things happen as they do, but what I do know is that God does not make mistakes, and everything that happens only happens because He allows it to happen. He is an Awesome God in spite of . Our pastor says this all the time. "God is good all the time, all the time God is good in spite of." I was so moved to hear of your son's faith and belief in the Lord Jesus Christ and his receiving salvation and being filled with the Holy Ghost. And as a young man, not being ashamed. What a wonderful, precious person BJ was. Thank you for sharing your story. I could feel your pain, your hurt, and sorrow. I could also feel the presence of the Lord thru your witnessing. I could feel the faith you have in God. I know BJ had more faith than a lot of "seasoned" Christians. "And a child shall lead them" "Unless we become as little children" Your story is an inspiration to me. We are going thru so much pain right now with the murder of my precious niece.The enemy would like to shake my faith, but I know greater is He that is in me. You said BJ liked Kirk Franklin. I do too. His song, "Now, Behold the Lamb" is so powerful. Cindy, I don't know why I've rambled on, but I feel a kinship to you thru the Holy Spirit. The things you wrote about how little stuff seemed to fall into place in the weeks before he passed, I know exactly what you meant. I want to visit your site again when I have more time. I have to get in the bed soon. Thanks for listening. Jo Ann ( Leah Avril's aunt)

My sweet Wayne and Buck. Remember when I told you that Daddy and I gave money to put together gift boxes in your memory for the families that lost their babies? Well today a cousin of mine Sherri) sent me a note sayng she knows someone that got one of the packages. Here is here note...

Cindy I wanted to let you know that you & Bobby  made a difference in someone's life. A lady that works for me her name is Ira. Her daughter went into labor and delivered her baby way to early. She received one of ya'lls memory boxes. I am friends with her and her family. When I saw the box I was able to tell her about ya'll and about the kids that it was in memory of. Just wanted ya'll to know that the memory box really helped her.

I'm so sorry others have to suffer this kind of loss but I'm thankful that your memories live on through the gifts we gave. I sure love and miss you my sweet boys.

Love Mama

Happy Birthday boys, I love you both so much. I sure wish you were here. I know you'll have a wonderful day in Heaven though so I'll let that comfort my heart.

Love you both forever and always, Mama

Morning Will Come

Brokenhearted...

How can I bear the pain?

So many dreams...shattered.

Hopes...dashed.

All gone.

Why?

Why this?

Why us? Why me?

Helplessness...hopelessness...

Life will never be the same again.

Is it even worth living?

Where are you, God?

I'm right here beside you child.

Even though you may not feel my presence,

I'm holding you close under the shadow of my wings.

I will walk you through this dark night.

Do not shrink from weeping.

I gave you tears for emotional release.

Don't try to hide your grief.

Let it become for you a source of healing.

A process of restoration,

For I have planned it so.

Those who mourn shall be blessed,

I'll be holding on to you,

Even when you feel you can't hold on to me.

Seek my face, my child of mine.

Receive my promise, impossible as it may seem now,

That joy will come in the morning.

It may take much time,

But I will heal your broken heart.

I know the night seems endless,

But Morning Will Come.

I have promised.

~~From the Haven of Rest Newsletter

I got this poem given to me at my support meeting the other night and there is a reason for my sharing it.
 
Yesterday was the first time since you left us B.J. that the sun shone in my world. I've had days that were "better" than others but never have I felt what I felt yesterday. It was like dark clouds rolled away and the sun shone bright on me. I can't even begin to explain what it was like. All I know is I told Sarah that I felt so good that it was almost sending me into shock. I felt true joy again...complete joy. It's still with me today. Then I remembered this poem and I think that is what has happened...my Morning Has Come. I still miss you and your little brothers  just as much but something is different. A heaviness has lifted and I honestly feel like life is worth living again. It's been such a long hard road. I know the sadness will come again...I'm human and I want you boys with me. But I believe from this point on things will be different for me. I believe I'll have many more days of sun shine instead of darkness.
I've claimed the Lord's promises for a long time even when I didn't feel it even a little bit because I know it's not about what I feel but about his word being truth.
I don't even feel guilt for feeling better because if the healing has come from the Lord there is no reason for guilt. And besides, I know you boys know what you mean to me and know how much I love and miss you. Healing of a broken heart has nothing to do with those things.
Tell Jesus thank you for me. And my heart tells me that you three boys probably had something to do with it so thank you to you too. I love you all so much.

Love, Mama

Happy Birthday Mama!

We love you so much.

Love, your Butter B.J.

and your bitty boys Wayne and Buck

Amanda and their family came today and we had Christmas dinner and afterwards opened presents. I sure wish you were here. I miss you so much. Kayla called to wish us all a Merry Christmas. This is the first one that she hasn't been home for...we sure miss her too.

I hope you like the flower arrangement Johnathan and I brought out to your grave. I think it's pretty. We brought you some more tamales and Dad brought you a Dr Pepper. I hope they made you smile.

It sure is cold today with the snow we've had. I wish you were here to see Sarah and Johnathan play in it. Can you see them from there? I hope so.

Merry Christmas in Heaven...I love you.

Love Mama

Buddy for days now I've been having flashbacks of the days you were on dialysis and of that horrible life support machine. I'm not sure why that is happening. Maybe it's to remind me that you're well now but that's not helping much. All I know is you were here then and I wish you still were. I don't want you to be sick...I never wanted that. I just wish you could be here with me. I miss you so much. It makes me sick...and so angry!

Love, Mama

The Legend of the Candy Cane

A candy maker in Indiana wanted to make a candy that would remind people of the true meaning of Christmas; so he made the candy cane to incorporate several symbols for the birth, ministry, and death of Jesus Christ. He began with a stick of pure white, hard candy. White to symbolize the Virgin Birth and the sinless nature of Jesus, and hard to symbolize the Solid Rock, the foundation of the Church, and the firmness of the promises of God.

The candymaker then shaped his cane into the form of a "J" to represent the precious name of Jesus, who came to the earth as Savior. It could also represent the staff of the "Good Shepherd" with which He reaches down to to reclaim the fallen lambs who, like sheep, have gone astray.

Thinking that the candy was somewhat plain, the candymaker stained it with red stripes. He used three small stripes to show the stripes of the scourging Jesus received. The large red stripe was for the blood shed by Christ on the cross so that we could have the promise of eternal life.

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Boys it's because of what Jesus did for us that I can be assured of where you are and that I will be with you again someday. For that I'm so very thankful.

Love, Mama

Tonight we will light a candle for each one of you boys. I wish you were here instead but we do this to let you know we remember and we hold you close in our hearts always.

Love, Mama

Here's Sarah singing the song Light A Candle by Avalon. Didn't she do wonderful? We're sure proud of her.

Boys...this is yall's little brother and sister...Johnathan and Sarah. Need I say more? And Buddy, notice the shirt Johnathan has on. Remember your PacMan shirt? He has about worn it out!

Love, Mama

Buddy a couple of years ago Ravel had recorded Johnathan buried in the rocks. I just recently got the video given to me and Sarah made it where I could put it here. Isn't it funny?

Love, Mama