Bobby Jack Outlaw II

Boys I spent time outside this evening raking old pecans out of the yard. Your little brother decided to prove he is already a true "Outlaw". He was on top of an old refrigerator on the back porch shooting at the pecans "I" was raking up with his BB Gun. That silly boy...he keeps my life interesting to say the least. It was nice being outside and thank goodness he didn't miss his targets and get me.  
Of course I threatened him but that's beside the point.

I know you three were probably watching and having a great time laughing...you're little brother is a nut! But I love him just like I love all three of yall.

Love, Mama

I know life isn't always as grand as we would like it to be, but it does not change the fact that we can still celebrate the things we have experienced in life. This morning after Luthien woke up I wanted to spend a little more time with him. All of a sudden the song Father Abraham popped into my head. I started singing and soon after Sean joined in and soon we were all dancing to a silly kids song. It brought back so many memories and I had to laugh. I know you are not with us anymore but we can still rejoice in the life that you did have, and in a way you still have. My mind went back to the time when you were about 13 years old and you had tried to jump rope. You had never gotten the hang of it but you were very determined. You had it down for about 6 seconds before you lost control and bam, you faceplanted into the carpet. It was so funny and still thinking about it makes me laugh. Of course you werent hurt or anything so no worries there. I do miss you so much, but it makes me happy that I still can smile when I think about you and the life you had that still has an impact on so many to this day.

Johnathan began working on a memory garden for you yesterday B.J. Here's a picture of what it looks like so far. He made a cross and then he nailed wood together as a "P" and hung it on the cross. He said it stands for Peace.

Love Mama

Buddy I got this heart at our support meeting last month. It tells of the things we need in order for our hearts to heal. The one in the middle called Support is suppose to be the support I get. It's true I've needed support many times but now I see it as me giving Support to others that are hurting. LaFreda told me I wasn't suppose to cover the hole in my heart because we would always have a hole...but I told her no...by me reaching out to others is helping to cover that hole. No it will never be completely healed but it is covered so therefore the pain is easier to bare.

I love you and miss you so much, Mama

Well Buddy, I went to Tommie's wedding and she sure made a beautiful bride. I know you would have been proud. Oh but B.J. it was so hard for me to be there. While I sat there waiting for it to start the tears started. All I could think is...you should have been there! Finally I turned around to Sister Mullins and told her to pray for me...then I lost it. She came and sat with me and prayed for me. I'm so glad she did...I didn't think I was going to be able to stay. After she prayed though a peace settled on me and I was able to enjoy it ok. I still wish you could have been there though.

Love you forever, Mama

I could set here and write a sad story or a happy story and someone could come along and read it and be inspired or touched in the heart. The truth is though, I just miss you. I don't want the pitty or the hand on the shoulder, or the call asking if I'm okay. You know why? Because it doesn't matter how much everyone is there for me it will never be the same without you. I have a feeling in my heart, and I hate it. It's so empty and dark, I feel so cold and I'm ashamed of myself. Big girls don't cry...

Life isn't fair nothing about it is, maybe that's why you aren't here with me. And we all know what that means. No more drives around town till it's curfew time. No more sharing Dr Pepper's and butterfingers stashed in the back of the car. No more 3 hour long monopoly games eating cheese fries. No more tying Sarah to poles with scarves. No more of me sneaking into your room after mom and dad had gone to sleep and talking. No more planning crazy things. No more hiking and camping. No more chasing armadillos. No more falling out of trees or coming up with new plans for the next greatest tree house. No more sneeking in the dog through your window, when we knew we weren't supposed to. No more talking about who we had a crush on while we laid on the trampoline. No more playing on the broken race car. No more fighting and having to be made to hug.

If only you knew what I would do just to see you one more time. I wouldn't need a lifetime, or a year, or a month or even a day. Just to see you one more time, in a dream, in my mind, in a picture. What I woldn't give to hear you laugh, to see you sleep, to watch you pray, to run with you, anything. Like I said life isn't fair, why must we be made to grieve?

They will never understand me.

I'm not like them.

I don't want the pitty.

I don't want to be alone though.

I'm stronger now.

I have to be.

I didn't lose you.

You left me.

I hate it.

I love you.

I miss you.

Please just make it end.

I love my boys so much!

Buddy tonight I went to my email and I got this letter from someone that just touched my heart in such a special way. I want to hold on to it forever so I'm putting it here for you. B.J. I was always so proud of you and I still am. Your life made a difference and it continues to. Thank you for being such a wonderful son...for being my son. I love you and miss you so much.

Please ask Jesus to touch and bless this family. I know their hearts are so broken. Thank you Buddy.

Love forever, Mama

Cindy, I have just read your website for your sons. I am so deeply moved by it. I couldn't stop reading it, even though I needed to get in the bed. And here I am emailing you. I felt like I couldn't wait until tomorrow. BJ's story just touched my heart so much. What a legacy. What a testimony. I don't know why things happen as they do, but what I do know is that God does not make mistakes, and everything that happens only happens because He allows it to happen. He is an Awesome God in spite of . Our pastor says this all the time. "God is good all the time, all the time God is good in spite of." I was so moved to hear of your son's faith and belief in the Lord Jesus Christ and his receiving salvation and being filled with the Holy Ghost. And as a young man, not being ashamed. What a wonderful, precious person BJ was. Thank you for sharing your story. I could feel your pain, your hurt, and sorrow. I could also feel the presence of the Lord thru your witnessing. I could feel the faith you have in God. I know BJ had more faith than a lot of "seasoned" Christians. "And a child shall lead them" "Unless we become as little children" Your story is an inspiration to me. We are going thru so much pain right now with the murder of my precious niece.The enemy would like to shake my faith, but I know greater is He that is in me. You said BJ liked Kirk Franklin. I do too. His song, "Now, Behold the Lamb" is so powerful. Cindy, I don't know why I've rambled on, but I feel a kinship to you thru the Holy Spirit. The things you wrote about how little stuff seemed to fall into place in the weeks before he passed, I know exactly what you meant. I want to visit your site again when I have more time. I have to get in the bed soon. Thanks for listening. Jo Ann ( Leah Avril's aunt)

My sweet Wayne and Buck. Remember when I told you that Daddy and I gave money to put together gift boxes in your memory for the families that lost their babies? Well today a cousin of mine Sherri) sent me a note sayng she knows someone that got one of the packages. Here is here note...

Cindy I wanted to let you know that you & Bobby  made a difference in someone's life. A lady that works for me her name is Ira. Her daughter went into labor and delivered her baby way to early. She received one of ya'lls memory boxes. I am friends with her and her family. When I saw the box I was able to tell her about ya'll and about the kids that it was in memory of. Just wanted ya'll to know that the memory box really helped her.

I'm so sorry others have to suffer this kind of loss but I'm thankful that your memories live on through the gifts we gave. I sure love and miss you my sweet boys.

Love Mama

Happy Birthday boys, I love you both so much. I sure wish you were here. I know you'll have a wonderful day in Heaven though so I'll let that comfort my heart.

Love you both forever and always, Mama

Morning Will Come

Brokenhearted...

How can I bear the pain?

So many dreams...shattered.

Hopes...dashed.

All gone.

Why?

Why this?

Why us? Why me?

Helplessness...hopelessness...

Life will never be the same again.

Is it even worth living?

Where are you, God?

I'm right here beside you child.

Even though you may not feel my presence,

I'm holding you close under the shadow of my wings.

I will walk you through this dark night.

Do not shrink from weeping.

I gave you tears for emotional release.

Don't try to hide your grief.

Let it become for you a source of healing.

A process of restoration,

For I have planned it so.

Those who mourn shall be blessed,

I'll be holding on to you,

Even when you feel you can't hold on to me.

Seek my face, my child of mine.

Receive my promise, impossible as it may seem now,

That joy will come in the morning.

It may take much time,

But I will heal your broken heart.

I know the night seems endless,

But Morning Will Come.

I have promised.

~~From the Haven of Rest Newsletter

I got this poem given to me at my support meeting the other night and there is a reason for my sharing it.
 
Yesterday was the first time since you left us B.J. that the sun shone in my world. I've had days that were "better" than others but never have I felt what I felt yesterday. It was like dark clouds rolled away and the sun shone bright on me. I can't even begin to explain what it was like. All I know is I told Sarah that I felt so good that it was almost sending me into shock. I felt true joy again...complete joy. It's still with me today. Then I remembered this poem and I think that is what has happened...my Morning Has Come. I still miss you and your little brothers  just as much but something is different. A heaviness has lifted and I honestly feel like life is worth living again. It's been such a long hard road. I know the sadness will come again...I'm human and I want you boys with me. But I believe from this point on things will be different for me. I believe I'll have many more days of sun shine instead of darkness.
I've claimed the Lord's promises for a long time even when I didn't feel it even a little bit because I know it's not about what I feel but about his word being truth.
I don't even feel guilt for feeling better because if the healing has come from the Lord there is no reason for guilt. And besides, I know you boys know what you mean to me and know how much I love and miss you. Healing of a broken heart has nothing to do with those things.
Tell Jesus thank you for me. And my heart tells me that you three boys probably had something to do with it so thank you to you too. I love you all so much.

Love, Mama

Happy Birthday Mama!

We love you so much.

Love, your Butter B.J.

and your bitty boys Wayne and Buck