Bobby Jack Outlaw II

Forever loving and missing my boys...I sure wish you were here.

Love, Mama

What Makes a Mother?

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom

who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown

In loving memory of my sweet Wayne and Buck. Today was your actual due date 24 years ago but you came too early on Jan. 26,1986 and did not survive. I love you and miss you so much.

Love, Mama

I think there are some things that I'm just never going to handle well. Your Dad went to the doctor this week for his checkup and they said his blood pressure was up some and they want him to check it twice a week for a while to watch it. So...that means we had to bring out your blood pressure monitor. I didn't much like the idea but it's needed so I was ok with it...I thought. I run to the store and buy new batteries for it and get it ready...and then it hits me. We bought that for you B.J. after you had your transplant (7 years ago next week). It's still almost new as for as use. I'm angry! I don't want you sick B.J. but I want you here. It's been too long and it's not fair. I miss you so much.

Love, Mama

Well boys your little brother played his first game and the other team won 3-1 but it sure was fun watching them play. Doesn't Johnathan look so cute in his little uniform?

Love, Mama

Well your little brother played his first scrimage in baseball today against the other Goldthwaite team. The other team won but it was sure a lot of fun to watch. I hope you were watching him play...I sure wish you were here. His first real game is this Thursday the 29th and he'll be playing against the same team again.

Love, Mama

Oh Buddy the two engine train that came by during Johnathan's baseball practice today was great! I know you were letting us know you were there to watch him...thank you.

He's got his uniform now...he's playing for the White Sox team. I'm leaving you a picture of him here. His first game is Saturday morning...be sure and be there!

Love, Mama

Boys I spent time outside this evening raking old pecans out of the yard. Your little brother decided to prove he is already a true "Outlaw". He was on top of an old refrigerator on the back porch shooting at the pecans "I" was raking up with his BB Gun. That silly boy...he keeps my life interesting to say the least. It was nice being outside and thank goodness he didn't miss his targets and get me.  
Of course I threatened him but that's beside the point.

I know you three were probably watching and having a great time laughing...you're little brother is a nut! But I love him just like I love all three of yall.

Love, Mama

I know life isn't always as grand as we would like it to be, but it does not change the fact that we can still celebrate the things we have experienced in life. This morning after Luthien woke up I wanted to spend a little more time with him. All of a sudden the song Father Abraham popped into my head. I started singing and soon after Sean joined in and soon we were all dancing to a silly kids song. It brought back so many memories and I had to laugh. I know you are not with us anymore but we can still rejoice in the life that you did have, and in a way you still have. My mind went back to the time when you were about 13 years old and you had tried to jump rope. You had never gotten the hang of it but you were very determined. You had it down for about 6 seconds before you lost control and bam, you faceplanted into the carpet. It was so funny and still thinking about it makes me laugh. Of course you werent hurt or anything so no worries there. I do miss you so much, but it makes me happy that I still can smile when I think about you and the life you had that still has an impact on so many to this day.

Johnathan began working on a memory garden for you yesterday B.J. Here's a picture of what it looks like so far. He made a cross and then he nailed wood together as a "P" and hung it on the cross. He said it stands for Peace.

Love Mama

Buddy I got this heart at our support meeting last month. It tells of the things we need in order for our hearts to heal. The one in the middle called Support is suppose to be the support I get. It's true I've needed support many times but now I see it as me giving Support to others that are hurting. LaFreda told me I wasn't suppose to cover the hole in my heart because we would always have a hole...but I told her no...by me reaching out to others is helping to cover that hole. No it will never be completely healed but it is covered so therefore the pain is easier to bare.

I love you and miss you so much, Mama

Well Buddy, I went to Tommie's wedding and she sure made a beautiful bride. I know you would have been proud. Oh but B.J. it was so hard for me to be there. While I sat there waiting for it to start the tears started. All I could think is...you should have been there! Finally I turned around to Sister Mullins and told her to pray for me...then I lost it. She came and sat with me and prayed for me. I'm so glad she did...I didn't think I was going to be able to stay. After she prayed though a peace settled on me and I was able to enjoy it ok. I still wish you could have been there though.

Love you forever, Mama

I could set here and write a sad story or a happy story and someone could come along and read it and be inspired or touched in the heart. The truth is though, I just miss you. I don't want the pitty or the hand on the shoulder, or the call asking if I'm okay. You know why? Because it doesn't matter how much everyone is there for me it will never be the same without you. I have a feeling in my heart, and I hate it. It's so empty and dark, I feel so cold and I'm ashamed of myself. Big girls don't cry...

Life isn't fair nothing about it is, maybe that's why you aren't here with me. And we all know what that means. No more drives around town till it's curfew time. No more sharing Dr Pepper's and butterfingers stashed in the back of the car. No more 3 hour long monopoly games eating cheese fries. No more tying Sarah to poles with scarves. No more of me sneaking into your room after mom and dad had gone to sleep and talking. No more planning crazy things. No more hiking and camping. No more chasing armadillos. No more falling out of trees or coming up with new plans for the next greatest tree house. No more sneeking in the dog through your window, when we knew we weren't supposed to. No more talking about who we had a crush on while we laid on the trampoline. No more playing on the broken race car. No more fighting and having to be made to hug.

If only you knew what I would do just to see you one more time. I wouldn't need a lifetime, or a year, or a month or even a day. Just to see you one more time, in a dream, in my mind, in a picture. What I woldn't give to hear you laugh, to see you sleep, to watch you pray, to run with you, anything. Like I said life isn't fair, why must we be made to grieve?

They will never understand me.

I'm not like them.

I don't want the pitty.

I don't want to be alone though.

I'm stronger now.

I have to be.

I didn't lose you.

You left me.

I hate it.

I love you.

I miss you.

Please just make it end.

I love my boys so much!