One night at church Brother Lingle told a story about a pecan tree that was growing by the bank of a creek. He said as time went by the water washed the dirt out from under the tree and the day came that it finally fell over and landed across the creek. It then served as a bridge for small animals to cross over the creek on. But the story didn't end there. He said as time went by the branches that were under the water turned and began to grow upwards towards the sun. The tree still had roots that were growing deep into the edge of the bank. It continued to live and produce pecans in their season because of those roots that ran deep. Even though the water had caused it to fall down...it did not give up...it kept growing and kept producing...it still had a purpose. Then he told us that there were those that have faced hard battles and have been knocked down and we just can't seem to get back up...just like the tree couldn't. But...he reminded us that we could still grow and bring about good things even if we couldn't get up. Life does not have to be over. There can still be much good if we don't give up.
It made me think of my grief. When we lost you boys it knocked down and I know I will never be the same as I was before. But...I have not given up. I thought I had. I have been in a place where I didn't think I belonged anywhere. A dark place...a place of little or no hope. A place I don't like to admit being...a place I've hated being. While that much is true...I realized as he was preaching that I have continued to grow and produce and I like to think that in some small way at least...that I have been a part of bringing about good things in not only my life but in the lives of others.
I know this heartache will never be completely healed...not this side of Heaven anyway. But I believe with all my heart that one day (if the Lord tarries) I will be truly happy again. Not happy as the world knows...but a joy that runs deep in my heart and soul like the roots of that tree. A joy that will be stronger than the grief. A joy that my boys would want for me.
I'm so thankful for the message Brother Lingle preached last night. I'm going to do my best to keep it in my heart and keep reminding myself that there is still life in me...that there is still purpose to my being here.
Mama won't ever stop loving you and I will never stop missing you. I know you know that. But I do want to find joy again. I want to live instead of just exist. Please ask Jesus to continue to help me.
Love you forever and always, Mama
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| Cindy Outlaw | The Fallen Tree...1/4/12 | April 16, 2012 |
| Mama | Brown Butterfly | April 14, 2012 |
Thank you Buddy for the brown butterfly today. I thought it was so cool how it followed me into the house and then I let it outside just so later it could come and land on my arm. I love you and miss you so much and it was such a perfect sign from you.Love, Mama
| Mama | Easter 2012 | April 8, 2012 |
Happy Easter boys, I love you and I miss you and I so wish you were here.
Love, Mama
Love, Mama
| Mama | My Mind Drifted Back 4/4/2012 | April 5, 2012 |
Tonight while in church my mind drifted back to the night Jesus called you home and the days leading up to your funeral. B.J. I prayed so hard and with all the faith I had in me that Jesus would heal you and allow you to stay here with us but for reasons I don't guess I'll ever understand He said no. But Buddy not once after you died did I pray that he would raise you back up and breath life back into you to live here. B.J. I just couldn't do that. As much as I wanted you here with me I couldn't ask Him to bring you back after you had already reached Heaven...I knew you wouldn't want to come back even though I knew you didn't want all of us to hurt either. B.J. that doesn't make me a bad Mama does it? I never wanted anything but the best for you. I always wanted you to have good health...I watched you struggle since the age of one with bad health...I knew when the Lord called your name you were completely healed...how could I even consider taking that away from you when all your life it's what I had asked for? It just didn't happen the way I had wanted it to. My heart tells me you understand what I'm saying and why I couldn't do it. You know I would have given my very life for you...for any one of you kids. I just miss you B.J. More than these simple words can say. And I love you so much.
Love, Mama
| Mama | Sarah's Senior Prom 3/31/2012 | April 5, 2012 |
Tonight was your 'lil sisters Senior Prom. Didn't she look beautiful?
| Mama | Happy St Patrick's Day 3/17/2012 | March 17, 2012 |
Happy St Patrick's Day boys, I love you! Love, Mama
| B.J., Wayne and Buck | Happy 29th Birthday Amanda! 3/3/2012 | March 3, 2012 |
Happy Birthday Amanda, we love you!Love, B.J., Wayne and Buck
| Mama | Happy Valentine's Day Wayne and Buck 2/14/12 | February 14, 2012 |
I love you both so much!Love, Mama
| Mama | Happy Valentine's Day B.J. 2/14/12 | February 14, 2012 |
I love you so much!Love, Mama
| Cindy Outlaw | Sarah said yes...2/2/2012 | February 3, 2012 |
Well boys your little sister Sarah is growing up. Last night Melvin asked her to marry him and she said yes. Oh how I wish you were here.Love, Mama
| Cindy Outlaw | You're Uncles Again 1/30/2012 | February 3, 2012 |
Well boys you're going to be Uncles again. Kayla told us Monday that her and David are expecting a little one...due on Sept. 28, 2012. Oh how I wish you were here!Love, Mama
| Mama | Happy 26th Birthday Wayne and Buck | January 26, 2012 |
Happy 26th Birthday Wayne and Buck. I love you and miss you so much. Oh how I wish I could spend it with you. Make sure Bubba helps you celebrate big and all three of you boys hug each other for me.
Love, Mama
Love, Mama
| B.J., Wayne and Buck | Happy Birthday Mama 1/19/2012 | January 19, 2012 |
Happy Birthday Mama, we love you so much. We know you wish we coud be there with you. Please know we are...just close your eyes and you'll feel us with you always.
Love, B.J., Wayne and Buck
Love, B.J., Wayne and Buck
| Mama | Lala's getting married...12/31/11 | January 5, 2012 |
David asked Kayla to marry him right before midnight on New Years Eve. She's so happy and I'm happy for her. I just wish you were here.Love, Mama
| Mama | Happy New Year 2012 | January 1, 2012 |
Happy New Years boys. I love you all so much. Love, Mama
| Mama | Our Christmas Picture 2011 | December 29, 2011 |
Isn't this picture Lala had done for us beautiful? She took it in front of your wall and had Scooty to hold the picture of you. Then she had it put onto a 10X13 canvas for us for Christmas. I love it!
| Mama | Christmas 2011 | December 24, 2011 |
Merry Christmas Boys!
| Mama | Your Candles Burn Bright | December 11, 2011 |
We went to the Wave of Lights tonight. Your candles will burn bright always.
Love, Mama
Love, Mama
| Cindy Outlaw | Rose from Mack and Debra 12/1/11 | December 6, 2011 |
Look at the beautiful rose your Uncle Mack and Aunt Debra sent us for your 8th angel day. Isn't it beautiful? They really touched our hearts by remembering you B.J.Love, Mama
| Cindy Outlaw | Flowers from Brother and Sister Mullins 12/1/11 | December 6, 2011 |
Buddy aren't these flowers Brother and Sister Mullins sent us on you 8th angel day beautiful. They are always so sweet to remember you and us and for that we are so thankful.Love, Mama
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